Tips for Child-Less People (Who Want Children)

 

  1. Don’t go to stores that sell things for children. Obviously that means no Kids ‘R’ Us, Babys ‘R’ Us, no toy stores in general. Also, no Target, Walmart, Walgreens-type stores. No grocery stores either. Although Trader Joe’s is mostly safe. You’ll have to increase your grocery budget to afford shopping there. Natural Grocers aka The Vitamin Cottage is also pretty safe.
  2. The mall is your personal hell. It should be avoided at all costs. The mall is ground zero for small children. The mall and the park. Plan out your routes and avoid temptation. These places hold only misery.
  3. No animated movies or movies made for children. Wait until Finding Dory comes out on Blu-ray or digital download. Resist the urge to go see the next Marvel movie unless you can stay awake for the 11pm showing – and still, there’s no guarantee there won’t be a few small children in that one. You’re better off waiting for that one too.
  4. Avoid media that reminds you. This means staying off Facebook mostly. And Pinterest, definitely. Instagram too. Twitter is probably safe-ish depending on who you follow. And you probably can’t watch the news or most TV at all. NPR might be safe – most of the time.
  5. Large gatherings of people should also be avoided. Work-related events where coworkers bring their families. family events, because you almost certainly have some cousin who pops out babies and then says something like, ‘Oh, that last one was an oops!’ And it’s not polite to throttle your family members. This grouping also includes festivals, fiestas, fairs, parties of any kind other than the adult beverages variety, etc.
  6. If you’re feeling really sad, you probably need to take a break from your friends who have children. If you’re 30 or over, this means finding new friends.
  7. You’re only hope is to stay home. Stay home and sit in a dark room. Stare at the ceiling or the wall. Read a book about elephants ( have adorable babies), politics (politicians love talking about their kids), dogs (are fur-babies), $#!& Cars! Read a book about cars!
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