Sometimes I find it difficult to talk to you. Not because you don’t listen or don’t want to hear, but because I know you won’t understand, because I don’t always know the words, because I’m afraid you’ll misunderstand and talking will feel even more hopeless than it did before. Sometimes when I talk to you, I want you to ask questions to try to understand better, so if you don’t, it feels like you don’t care. And sometimes I don’t want you to ask questions because when you do I feel even more stupid and crazy for not being able to explain myself than I did for feeling how I do in the first place. I know it’s an impossible task on your end. Knowing when to ask and when to just listen, knowing when to offer solutions and when to simply hold me while I cry. I want to explain. I want other people, especially you, to understand.
It makes me angry that I can’t explain. And I know that feels like I’m angry with you. But I’m not. I’m frustrated with my stunning lack of eloquence and inability to express how I feel and what I’m thinking. Hell, half the time, I seriously don’t know what I’m even thinking.
I will sit next to you, wanting to talk to you, forming the words in my head, wishing you could read my mind because I can’t summon the strength to say them out loud. I will start a sentence with the intention of telling you and divert it half way through. I will write you letters I will never give you.
Bear with me while I try to find the words. While I sort my thoughts and feelings. Please be ready to listen and try to understand.
I need new words and a large dose of courage. And we both need extraordinary patience.
Every single stitch featured below has been knit at least two (twelve) times. The color work and double knitting comes with a steep (at least for me) learning curve. But I am determined. It’s going to be fantastic.
(Hey look! I’m outside! The heat has finally broken in Tucson and we’re in the 80s every day, 70s in the mornings. I can actually sit outside for a length of time without sweating or getting eaten by mosquitoes. Hoorah!)
To break up the intense focus I have to give the above project, I picked up this:
Which is supposed to be this. But it turns out that this yarn/dpns/cables are even more finicky than the colorwork shawl/scarf thingy. I think it’s the large cables, they’re each worked over 16 stitches that make them very difficult to work. My hands hurt from one round of cabling. I’m not sure this hat is destined for completion. I love the yarn though. (I seem to have misplaced the ball band and I don’t remember anything about this yarn.) I’m seriously considering ripping it out and making a pair of socks instead.