Unbalanced Load

Today…on why getting pulled over completely unraveled me.

We had a good weekend (more on that tomorrow). We got home last night around 7:30pm and settled back into our house. This morning E went to work and I got up to pick up the dogs from the kennel. I got an email over the weekend that my audiobook was ready for me from the library, so before I left the house I downloaded the book. I got in the car, pushed play on my audiobook and headed towards the kennel.

I could tell you that the dogs needed to be picked up by 10am so we didn’t have to pay for another day so I was rushing or that I didn’t sleep well and so was tired and distracted (I slept fine). But really, I was listening to the book and total auto-pilot. So when I drove past the cop who had another person pulled over, I moved out of that lane and kept on driving. Five minutes later when the cop turned his lights on behind me, I realized he’d probably been there awhile and I definitely had been going too fast.

I pulled over, handed over my license and registration, and waited for the ticket. I tried to keep my cool. I really, really did. But as I sat there waiting I couldn’t keep myself from bursting into tears. The cop came to my window with the ticket and I kept my sunglasses on trying to hide my tears. The cop haded me the ticket, talked about how he had been following me for a while, that most people slow down when they see a cop, etc. while I sat there choking down my blubbering wishing he’d just let me go. He finally walked away from the car and I pulled away as carefully as possible while losing my shit. Unfortunately, I had to make a left rather quickly and changed lanes (with the cop behind me) rather more quickly than I think is legal.

So what happened next? The cop followed me. Now, it’s entirely possible that the cop just needed to go the way I was going, but he did follow me for two turns. And the whole time I was sobbing hysterically, trying not to have a panic attack while the cop followed me very nearly to my destination. He finally didn’t take a turn that I took and I pulled into the kennel 30 seconds later.

I pulled it together long enough to collect both dogs and all their stuff and then burst into tears again as soon as I was back in the safety of the car. I cried all the way home, got the dogs into the house, and kept crying. And crying and crying and crying.

I was supposed to meet E for lunch, but when he called I told him I didn’t want to go, which was obvious given my inability to put two words together without sobbing. I sat on the couch and stared at the wall crying.

E came home and I cried with my head in his lap. I finally managed to pull it together to eat lunch and have a conversation with E. I have continued to keep it together for most of the afternoon (though writing this blog instigated a few more tears).

Now here’s the question, why in hell did getting a speeding ticket effect me quite this strongly? I’ve only gotten a few tickets in my life, and every time I’ve cried after the cop drives away. You know, it’s one of those, I did something wrong feelings that makes you feel so crappy when you get pulled over by a cop. Surely I can’t be the only one who feels that way? But usually the crying doesn’t last for hours. Usually, I drive very carefully the rest of the way home and then shake it off and move on.

This time, I feel wrecked. I feel paralyzed.

When I got home, I threw some laundry in and went back to the couch. The washing machine almost immediately started banging – that noise it makes when the load is unbalanced. I ignored it because usually it works itself out. But it kept banging periodically. E got home and it kept banging. I finally went to try and fix it, but apparently the banging had been accompanied by shifting and the washer was now in front of the door. We fixed it and it banged a few more times. It occurred to me that it was rather ironic that the washer chose this particular day to act so unbalanced.

Also, the yarn I ordered last week for my super exciting and difficult project that was supposed to arrive on Saturday while we were gone, has not arrived yet.

I have plenty of other projects to knit, but I want to start that one. I knit on the same projects from last week over the weekend. I haven’t finished anything yet or made any progress that you can see, so no pictures.

I’m going to go knit something and hope I feel better.



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