As my depression lifts and I start to feel more a part of the world, I find I’m experiencing something of a void. My life has been so dominated by mental illness for so long. Now there is a huge hole in my life where the depression once resided. I have more energy and am more interested in the world, but I don’t know what to do with that energy.
I am still afraid to commit to things and people. The depression has not disappeared completely; I still have days where it is hard to get out of bed. And never knowing when those days are going to crop up, I worry. And this makes it even harder to find things to do with my time. I am still living in the shadow of mental illness.
I spend time wandering around stores just for the experience of being out among people. I smother my husband with attention because he is the only person I see every day. Beyond that, I live much of my life alone.
I hope as my depression continues to lift that my social skills will find their way back to me.