Saturday, June 29th

“Guilt is only allowed if you knew what you were doing was wrong and you did it anyway.” This according to the group therapy leader – one of the discharge plan managers.

I’m not sure I agree or disagree. what about the things I do or don’t do when I’m depressed and/or anxious? I know I should be doing certain things; I know I shouldn’t be hurting myself or eating too much or not showering, but I do it anyway. Does that mean my guilt over these things is appropriate? That I should feel guilty? If so, then the guilt I feel is righteous and Erik is wrong to tell me not to feel bad.

He doesn’t understand that I know in my head what I should be doing and that I still make a choice to do the wrong thing. If he understood that, maybe he would not always tell me not to feel bad.

“I spent each day struggling to appear competent, constantly amazed that I had gotten through the last test and certain that I would shut down in the face of the next. I felt completely alone. Everyone else – my wife, my kids, coworkers, friends, the guy who sold me my morning coffee – seemed to be moving through their days peacefully, laughing and having fun. I resented them because they were having such an easy time of it and because I felt utterly cut off from them emotionally. I felt angry because there was no way they could understand what I was experiencing. Their very presence seemed to magnify my sense of isolation.”

“The loneliest moments of my life have been in the middle of the night while, as I imagined it, every body else in the world was sleeping…I felt angry toward those who were sleeping, especially my wife, who was right there so visibly and easily doing what I couldn’t and desperately needed to. My bad feelings intensified in the middle of the night. The volume of my personal agony reached a deafening pitch.”

by David Karp from An Unwelcome Career

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