When I started this, I wanted to be honest about mental illness; say things that most people won’t say unless their anonymous. Now I see that I’ve been censoring myself all along. Telling myself that no matter what, there are just some things that aren’t meant to be said out loud.
And that’s why I’ve been silent for the last week and a half and not posting as regularly. The last month has been rough. Not in an I have so much to do, my lists keep getting longer, I have no time, and the cars in the shop, kind of way. It’s been unbearable in an I can’t get off the couch, my sink is full of dishes, we have no clean laundry, I had one bowl of cereal to eat all day, and I have been contemplating the cocktail of pills I can mix up, kind of way.
This is incredibly ugly, impossible to excuse, and even harder to explain, to anyone. But it’s the truth, the heart of it – no censor. And that is the way it should be.
Blogging has also become de facto difficult. In fact, this post has taken me over seven hours to write. Which means, it is now way past time to take my meds, way past time to go to bed.
So, this story will have to continue another day. Don’t worry readers, I will survive the weekend.