Many Lists

Since my depression spiraled out of control about two years ago and subsequent hospital visits, I have slowed way down. I am easily overwhelmed, exhausted, fearful of much more than I used to be, and my energy (if I wake up with any) is quickly depleted. Most of what I get done, I get done at the computer, paying bills mostly and doing research for whatever Erik and I are planning next, i.e. trips, buying things for our apartment/house, fixing the car, etc. The action steps, that come after this research, have gotten done in large part because Erik has done it or we have done it together. He is the most effective panacea for my agoraphobia.

Over the last two weeks, I have been extremely busy in a way that is rather unusual for me since 2011. Last week, I realized way too late that the housewarming party was less than two weeks away with no free weekend in between and with many lists of things to get done.

Friday I went to the Madonna Center with forty other women for my church’s (mostly) annual women’s retreat. I have gone to the last three or four women’s retreats and they have always been uplifting and thoroughly enjoyable.

There hasn’t been one since Erik and I got together in late 2010. In fact, this past weekend was the first time since Erik and I met that I have gone away and left him at home. It’s usually the other way around. So when I found myself on my own, away from home, knowing Erik would be home in our bed at the end of the day, my anxiety shot through the roof. I was so racked with anxiety I could hardly think straight and I certainly couldn’t pray, meditate, or connect with other women. Well anyway, I eventually managed to shake the worst of it, enjoy the weekend, and learn a few things as well.


 I got an average of six hours sleep Friday and Saturday night and came home Sunday totally wiped. I took a three hour nap and then went to bed at 9:30pm. I woke up late Monday morning with a serious ‘not enough sleep” hangover and those many lists stretching out in front of me.

And this is how I found myself more busy than I’ve been in years. Monday was full of completing a weeks worth of ‘regular’ tasks in one day, so I can spend the rest of the week preparing for the housewarming.

Today, Erik and I overslept again. He ran off to work and I spent a half hour  cleaning up paw prints from Sanka who had jumped up and down in his own poop and then come bounding into the house. Then I ran off to work, only to grab the kiddo I was taking care of for the morning and run back to my house because I forgot the landscaper’s were coming today and I had left the doggies in the back yard. I made phone calls while my kiddo played fetch with the dogs and then ran back to his house to make lunch for everyone. Home, Costco, Home Depot, Lowe’s, the bank, Walgreen’s, pay the landscapers, lay the rubber pavers, eat dinner, take Sanka to puppy preschool, and…and…and.

Tomorrow, onto my ‘inside the house’ to do list. Oh yeah and buying more pavers to finish the back yard, finding storage benches, training the puppy, making dinner, and…


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